Hello, old friend.
Well! Where do I begin?
SO, clearly I haven’t posted anything in what feels like a couple centuries, to be completely honest, I have been in a bit of a situational funk.
About 10 months ago I injured my foot & ankle quite badly. How, you ask? Well because this is me, it is the least exciting injury you could imagine! While playing guitar my foot went numb (a usual occurance), however instead of being smart and waiting for my foot to regain feeling, I stood too soon… Putting all the weight on the top of my foot, and hearing a couple delightful snaps on the side of my foot.
Instant vertigo and nausea hit, and yet I didn’t feel anything.. But I knew this wasn’t a simple twist.
After multiple trips to the doctor/radiologist/physio/specialist I was told, “It could be a really bad sprain with tearing to the ligaments and tendon damage (soft tissue damage), or it could be an avulsion fracture where a small piece of bone has been ripped off due to ligament tearing.” And my personal favourite, “In the medical industry we call this a ‘Nothing Injury’.” All I knew for certain was I was in for a long road to recovery.
At first I was given a couple weeks off to recover then sent back to work part time, but that was a disaster that only lasted a month or so. Since then I have been solidly doing my physical rehab, doing all I was told, but still struggling.
I was moved from a ‘Return to Work’ program, to a ‘Pain Program’ which involved a Physiotherapist, Occupational Therapist, and Psychologist. When I heard a Psychologist was being involved, I did (internally) get a little defensive, “I’m not crazy. I’m not making any of this up. Why do I have to do this?” I thought.
We did a couple of questionnaires to assess where I was physically and mentally. Moderate depression and anxiety, they said. Apparently this was very normal for someone in my situation, going from being very active in work and physically, to being in a moonboot, on crutches, and often being reduced to tears due to pain, frustration, and the loss of a lot of my independence. I was reliant on family (God bless their cotton socks) to move about the house, to go to shops, to just getting anywhere.
And because I didn’t yet drive (I had been held in the tight grip of a fear of driving), if I wanted to see friends, I had to rely on others to go somewhere, or they would have to come by the house. I felt like I was a terrible burden to everyone, so I withdrew from socialising at all. I wasn’t completely isolated as I’m always surrounded by a large and loving family, but due to my self-imposed isolation I heard from people less and less…. and responded to others less and less.
My world became very small.
Physio at gym 5 days a week, Tuesday lunches with Poppa, stepsisters come to stay every second weekend, grocery shopping… These were my main weekly escapes/interactions.
Very quickly I began to believe that I would never get better. I was bloody well doing all I could and seeing no change! I’m naturally a very optimistic person, and yet I began to think more and more pessimistically as each day passed.
But as Christmas rolled around (My favourite time of year) I couldn’t be pessimistic surrounded by decorations, lights, music, and family. I began to change my mindset back to thinking optimistically, to seeing the silver lining once more.
Instead of living just to see the end of the day, I began to plan little things here and there throughout my weeks, play a bit of guitar one day, go see a movie the next, dive into my genealogy, tackle my fear of driving, sing more, smile more. For me, this helped me realise that although I’m still in pain, I can still enjoy life.
I know this all sounds melodramatic, but this is my story, my pain, my thoughts… And my road to recovery.
I want to thank all you gorgeous people who continued to contact me throughout my funk, and didn’t chastise me for my social quietness. I am in a much better place now, and am also beginning to improve physically.
Fun times ahead!!